A Dyad in the Force

Perhaps I am in the position of Kylo Ren? I was re-reading Iman's Little Blog part 2 and providing commentary for Ranger to better understand me while he read it this evening. Ranger feels strongly that $@719 was doing his best to communicate to me and I was moving evil. I don't consider my actions to be evil, but I suppose that Kylo Ren didn't either until he was faced with the realization that they were. Well, no, he knew they were evil, but he thought they were right. Did I know it was evil to treat men as disposable and use them to not become attached to $@719 when I was doing it? Yes. I knew it was evil, but I thought it was right. Those are different things. Why did I think it was right? Because I saw a future where he could hurt me if I didn't control myself and him. I saw myself as more capable and powerful than him. I woke one day in my room in Brooklyn next to him to find him wielding a weapon. He held it up and he looked upon me and he didn't act, but I knew then that he could hurt me. So, I struck first and continued to strike against him. I am not so different than Ben Solo waking to find his Uncle Luke Skywalker, standing above him with a saber. I guess I sort of chose the Dark Side for a time. I rampaged on the Dark Side too. I struck down Caleb, Syed, Sefu and more in my war against my fear of vulnerability. Then, I would have these moments of recollection regarding my true self. Always triggered by loss or need. I would apologize then and then out of fear slip back into evil. (I know I'm doing a lot of Star Wars these days, but run with me!) I am even plagued by visions of a "twin flame" or "dyad in the force". When I say plagued, I mean plagued. Am I close to God or am I schizophrenic? I choose to believe I am close to God because I've no other symptoms of schizophrenia. I don't know who this person is, but I sense them. I understand the Divine better than they do and I navigate my gifts with ease while they are just learning of theirs. Team, I fear I'm the Kylo in this Dyad.