Iman! You are ____

“Iman! You are____.” Is one of the most annoying sentences to me. Yesterday, in traffic on Canal street, at 10:50 something PM, I snatched my phone from Dani to respond to a voice note from Brittyn where she claimed that I am “icked out when a guy likes me back”. Dani, knowing how “icked out” I am by people projecting their ideas of me onto me instead of listening to me, smiled and shook her head. 

“I don't know why she keeps doing that… one, the stuff she says is never correct. Two, she knows it annoys you.” She sighed. 

“Dude…it pisses me off so bad.” I paused and thought to myself about what about it makes me mad. “It makes me mad because my family does it to me and they also have never taken the time to actually get to know me. I remember as a kid, not wanting to argue because they would dismiss me, but now I'm practicing standing up for myself. So, it really bothers me when people do that and dismiss me when I correct them.” 

I'd responded to Brittyn and said to her “I'm not Icked out by that, I'm the opposite, Im icked out by uncertainty”. To which she responded “Girl Bffr” which triggered a memory of my mom telling me that I'm “easily influenced by others” which has never been true of me, but always been true of her. At first I thought I was angered by it, but after a moment, I realized that I felt sad and disappointed by the conversation. I thought to myself “After all these years, this person doesn't know how much time, money, and effort I put into introspection and self-awareness?”  

Despite the sadness, I continued my practice of standing up for myself. I hate having to do it. I said “Girl lmao. Who have I ever been icked out by liking me?”. I did my best to keep a casual tone. Even writing this now I'm frustrated though. 

She replied something so far from the truth that it actually gave me a small headache. 

“Everytime a man likes u you sabatoge it. And u get attached to men who give mixed signals. U love the chase” 

Aliza piped up from the back seat as I read it aloud  “HUH?” She frowned. “You don't get attached to people…and every time a man gives you mixed signals, you demote him.”

“And I hate to chase someone…it's like actually something I'm working on being more lenient with because I used to just friend zone any guy that was inconsistent.” 

Dani shook her head again, leaned back, and said “whyyy does she do this? Like even if she believes it's true, she knows it frustrates you, so why do it?” 

I first wrote “I don't get attached to anyone, lmao” then I got pissed again, so I  held down the audio record button in messages and started talking. “I don't like mixed signals, they actually repulse me and any time I've pulled back from a guy that I like, it's because he is inconsistent and not communicating clearly. Also- the only guy I've really done that with is $@719 and he was never clear about how he felt. His mixed signals are what made me not want to be with him romantically. I'm actively trying now to be more lenient with stuff like that. But like even Adnan. I'll hook up with him, but I've never seen him as viable, so I don't feel any attachment to him. “

To which she responded “Yet you still pine”. Which prompted me to just check out of the conversation and stop replying. 

Aliza rolled her eyes and said “you haven't spoken about him in forever…” 

I put my fingers to my temple and said “yeah and regardless, that was regret for my own strictness. I felt like I could have been nicer, so I wanted to fix it. It wasn't about him.”  

Of course in the middle of all this Omar texts me back. Pissing me off even more. -.-. 

“Look who it is!” Dani faked an Italian accent. 

“Even Omar though, like there was a time where I would have blocked him so fast. Now I'm like ‘okay, I'm just gonna let him.’ He wants to take two days to reply? ‘Let him’ and I'm gonna let him show me what he wants to show me instead of deciding. That's new for me and it's hard for me because I want to just detach from it because it's kind of inconsistent, but I'm practicing.” I lamented 

“What did he say to you pointing out that he got banned on Hinge?” Dani made a silly, investigator-like face. 

I didn't even want to look because I was already a little pissed off and if he said something stupid, I wasn't sure if I could control myself to not block him. However, I'm practicing, so I looked.  Unfortunately, he said something dumb as hell, so I started being mean. I had to remind myself that I was sporting a hickey he didn't execute to get myself together. 

Anyway

As I sit in bed now and ponder this interaction, I ask myself. “Do I like to chase? Do I like inconsistency? Am I repulsed by interest in me?”

No, no, no. I have never in my life chased a man. I actually have had to force myself to even ask for forgiveness after wronging them because I don't want to reach out. Inconsistency has always led to detachment and loss of attraction from me. I have never been serious with someone inconsistent, it's always led to me removing myself. I love interest in me and it makes me stay, which is why the person I stayed with the longest and gave seriousness to was the person who consistently showed me interest (Ranger) and confirmed that he liked me. 

I am grateful to have a strong enough sense of self to not be swayed by people’s projections onto me. However, I still feel hurt and frustrated when they do it. I wish I wasn’t so upset by it, but I am. I am careful when I discuss people's self with them. I ask them if it's possible that they're doing something for a certain reason and don't argue them when they disagree, I guess I just wish that people would have the same thoughtfulness for me. I think it feels like a form of gaslighting, undermining my reality and replacing it with their own. I think that's why it upsets me so deeply.