De-Limerence Yourself

This morning, Dani asked me if I experience “limerence”. I actually wasn't certain that I knew what the word meant, so I double checked it. 

Limerence: 

a state of intense often involuntary romantic attachment to a person who does not reciprocate the feelings and that is often characterized by excessive preoccupation and obsessive behaviors

The involuntary nature of the connection is key: The experience of limerence is similar to addiction and other compulsive behaviors. … You're consumed by your feelings for another person, whether you like it or not.

—Cleveland Clinic

The main difference between falling in limerence and in love? Love requires a real, meaningful connection with another person, while limerence is usually obsessive and one-sided.

—Lilly Blomquist

After checking the definition, I replied “no” to Dani’s question. I think I could though…perhaps. Maybe if I weren't so strict. I think maybe it would be nice to indulge in limerence. When I look up what the opposite of limerence is, the results come up as “secure attachment”. Whenever I take an attachment quiz, my result is also “secure attachment”. I have never in my life met another person that gets that result. Actually people often react by accusing me of lying when I reveal that all tests point that “secure attachment” for me. I think it's correct. I think I feel very secure in my attachments. I never fear someone will leave me or that I'm not good enough. I obsess about whether or not someone likes me. I actually assume that everyone likes me and that's the problem. Most everyone does like me and because of that I've arrived at this sort of… state of indifference? I find myself not very affected at all by anything my romantic partners do. For a moment, just now,  I  thought perhaps I am wrong because I was a little sad when I thought Omar was ghosting me. However, I felt sad because I didn't think I did anything deserving of being treated that way, not because I thought he didn't want to talk to me. I don't actually care if Omar talks to me. I like him to talk to me though. I just don't assign a lot of emotion to my conversations with him or any romantic interest. 

I think that I'm often perceived as cold or uncaring by partners and even my friends because of this. That's not true, it's actually the opposite ;). I care a lot! I care for myself and I care for the other person. If I didn't care, I would act really crazy! I would maintain no self-control, I would indulge in bad behaviors, perhaps I would even pretend to be someone I'm not in order to trick them into being with me. Haha. In my mind, my indifference is merciful. I think that very few people will ever be capable of having the self-control to be indifferent. And when I say I'm “indifferent” it doesn't mean that I don't feel badly about rejection, or loss of a prospect, or even something not working out. The negative feelings are just minuscule in comparison to things I actually care about. This wouldn't be true if I were strict though. I am super strict. I am able to feel this way because I set immovable goal posts for attachment and importance in my mind. My connection with a new person only goes forward if they overcome a series of trials to get there. Not because I am self-important, but because I am self- preserving. When you see yourself becoming obsessed with someone that hasn't done a lick to show that they're deserving of your affection, don't you feel worthless? Ask yourself “why don't I treasure myself enough to preserve myself?”. Ask yourself  “why can someone just enter and take so much of you?” - Hold a hot new text just came in. 

“do you think it’s a bad idea for me to be with someone who i have to teach to be a good partner?” 

-Z

With love to my dear Z, this is peak limerence. This text is about a man she started dating at a snail's pace a month and a half ago. He hasn't earned the kind of brain space required to decide if he's going to be able to be a good partner. If you aren't trying to walk him down the aisle in 90 days; release it! You cannot be preoccupied with a character in your life that wouldn't even get a  Guest Star credit on his IMBD because he doesn't have enough screen time on your show! 

For me, these are the brain space rules: 

1-10 dates: zero serious brain space. If I really like them- maybe they become a maladaptive day dream guest star. 

10-15 dates/ hangs: test this person. What do I want from them? Does this work? Do they have bad communication skills? How do they respond to me asking for things?

15-20 dates/ hangs: are they listening to and acting on the things I asked for? If yes, continue. If not, wrap it up. 

20+ dates/ hangs: If the decision is doing something “serious”, go for it. If the decision is “unserious”, have a blast until it fizzles out. 

Sometimes things happen outside of these parameters that reveal important personality traits though! Like last week when Amir found out I'd fallen down an escalator, left work, and hauled ass to Jersey City from Midtown to be in the hospital with me. I would say that he earned 3 dates toward the next level of brain space in that one day. You see how that can work? A serious grand gesture holds more weight than a regular interaction. It must be serious though. 

Grand Gesture Examples 

•Rushing to hospital and babying you all night after you get out = 3 dates

•Fixing a car issue for you= 2-4 dates depending on difficulty 

•Picking you up from the airport at a super inconvenient time or if the airport is LaGuardia= 2 dates 

•Building furniture = 2-4 dates depending on difficulty 

Not Grand Gesture Examples 

•Buying you an Uber, Lyft, or Cab 

•Walking you to the train (only even acceptable if he is financially struggling) 

•Buying flowers 

•Forehead kisses 

•Buying stuff