She Follows

You know how in horror movies, The Creature is always walking while the protagonist is running, yet somehow The Creature always catches up? That is my emotional mind as an autistic person. I wrote an entire book about what can happen to me if I don't process something that my emotional mind wants me to fast enough. 

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It's happening again. Rawr XD. My logical mind is sprinting away from my emotions and just when I think I'm safe, the emotional mind executes a vicious psychological attack. They come in my moments of silence. On the train, on my bike rides, and in my sleep. In my waking hours, I am tormented by memories and in my resting hours, I am tormented by visions.

The greatest battle in this war between me and my emotional self is that I am humiliated by what my emotional self is fighting for me to feel. I do not feel the way that it wishes me to because it is not sensible to feel that way. She does not agree. The Ghost of Conversations Past does not agree. She wants something senseless. I don't know exactly what it is that she wants, but it's always something senseless. Something objectively useless. Something that will only distract me. Something about naseeb and coincidence and invisible string. 

I never believe The Ghost of Conversations Past about naseeb. However, I think there may be something I'm not understanding when she screams “naseeb” from the cage I keep her locked in, in the dungeons of my mind. Maybe…just maybe, it's not Naseeb, but naseeb. Perhaps she's telling me that this experience was an important step on the way to my Naseeb and that it's part of my overall naseeb. Asking me to acknowledge that, so I may better perceive the next steps on my journey. Perhaps this is it and by immortalizing this in text, The Ghost of Conversations Past will be satisfied and leave me alone. 

Perhaps?