4th Wave Feminism is a Knife

I am unhappy with the expectations of 4th Wave Feminism.

I don't want to impose this unhappiness on others and I don't think that there's anything necessarily wrong with 4th Wave Feminism (lying here), but it's not what I want for myself and I am burdened by guilt imposed upon me by it.

What do I feel guilty about?

1. Wanting to feel owned by a man

2. Wanting to be guided by a man

3. Wanting my beauty to be a source of pride for a man

   
   

There's more, but that's all I can battle through my shame to share.

These thoughts haunt my daydreams and terrorize me in my sleep. I try to indulge in them, but the guilt and shame are often unbearable. When the guilt and shame take over, I become irate and ferocious. Filled with hatred at the man interacting with me simply for giving me what I want. It's not their fault that I am so conflicted, but I cannot stop myself.

I think also though that part of the issue is my untrusting nature. I am skeptical of all people, but especially skeptical of straight men because they are so far removed from my reality. They are so different from me and because of that, I find them hard to understand. They are not human in the way that woman and LGBTQIA+ people are because I say so. That's not to say they are inhuman. I'm just saying that they're not like us. It's hard to trust them because I carry this prejudice against them. :/ I want to trust them though because I like the way it feels to be near them. I like how it feels when they put their hands on the back of my neck to walk with me. You know? I like the knowledge that despite being inherently brutish and capable of enacting violence, they choose to be gentle for me. Not just for me, but for all the gentle creatures around them. The problem is that too few of them know how to do this and it makes me distrustful of all of them.

Alas, my desires are tainted by guilt, shame, and prejudice. What can I do?