The Raven

My friends Yasemin and Zeynep are in town. They inspire me in a lot of ways. Their mother, Madeleine, 

does as well. As a family, they are all the great things about femininity and camaraderie within it. Every time I spend time with them, I am inspired. Sometimes it's in obscure ways…today though, it was in bold. Yasemin said to me “where are the blog posts? I'm an Iman's Little Blog fan.” I can't hear something like that and not put finger to keyboard…especially since I can't sleep. You see, I had a marítini with dinner because I can't seem to accept that I've got the Cooper Curse. (Diarrhea from alcohol). 

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary, 

Over a rather quaint and curious, stable porcelain throne 

While I nodded, nearly napping, with my fingers tip and tapping 

I thought of someone who’d been yapping, yapping at my chamber door. 

“Tis some bird,” I muttered, “yapping at my chamber door—

      Only this and nothing more”

That's as far as I'm willing to go with the Raven reference. If you've not caught on, I'm calling some people's perception of my outlook on communication in relationships, bird-like. Specifically the knee jerk reaction many people have had to me sharing that I really don't want to talk to men all day every day just because I'm romantically interested in them. 

I don't know that guy! I just met him! Why should I develop a strangely intense line of communication with some guy that I just met? Why are other people doing it? This isn't the pandemic anymore! Go outside! 

My ideal level of communication in a new relationship is like maybe 1-3 sets of responses to each other in a day with a skip day here or there. Like: “how's your day?”, “let's solidify plans.”, “it was nice seeing you”, that kind of stuff. That's perfect for me, for the first 2-3 months because I don't want to develop an attachment to someone by talking to them all day every day as though we are besties. I think it clouds the mind and negatively influences decision making. Time apart from interacting with potential partners really gives the space to process and decision make. Despite all this logic, people project their desires upon me. They say things like: 

“A guy who likes you will talk to you all through the day” 

IMHO that's WRONG especially if you're looking for someone very employed. 

“He should prioritize spending time with you” 

I actually am looking for someone that respects and values their relationships and commitments. So, I would not respect a man that immediately prioritizes seeing me over other things in his life. 

“He should be trying to lock you down immediately!” 

I would literally run. Like I would literally run away if a guy tried to take me out of my awesome life and force me to be his committed partner immediately. There's something to be said about intentionality and I deeply value intentionality, but some people I know are just moving crazy style. Moving like you have nothing to lose. Actually this is its own thought. 

There is a lot to be lost by entering a relationship with someone. If you have nothing to lose by intertwining your life with a near stranger, please reach out to me directly for Life Coaching. I am honestly at a point in my life where the only real romantic commitments I believe in are “engaged” and “married”. I respect people who are Partnered, they're just less traditional than me, but I respect the intention of it. Not in the way that a straight heterosexual guy who has a long term, low commitment girlfriend uses it though. That's partnered (derogatory). Partnered in a progressive queer way. A bad relationship can ruin your life. Being with someone that's controlling, or manipulative, or even deeply insecure can take up so much of your consciousness that you forget to go after your dreams. That you forget who you are. It also can negatively affect your social standing. A bad partner reflects poorly on you. No matter how awesome you are, if you have a partner that inspires overwhelmingly negative responses in people, no one will want you around because of them. It's like “oh if we invite ____, we’ll have to include their partner and that would suc,  so just don't invite ____.”   If you're going to be coupled, it's so important to be a couple that your peers respect. My friend Mandy and her husband. Inspiringly respectable couple. The kind of people you would leave your first born child with. Why? They're independently awesome people that everyone respects. On the flip side, I know some independently respectable people that have been brutally nerfed by their partner. Brittyn, who has actually requested to be named,  went from being perceived as a reliable, intelligent, and trustworthy person- to being passed over for opportunities and pitied because of the way they became with their partner. It was a hard and philosophy solidifying watch. Her recovery, though, was satisfying to experience. Within just a few months of setting herself free, she tripled her income and Strange Girlzz really started popping off. There is so much to lose from succumbing to infatuation and so little to gain. 

Easier said than done, Iman! 

I agree… not falling into infatuation and obsession is very difficult when you've not done the internal work it takes to be happy on your own. I'm, of course, living in the extreme end of being happy on my own. My reflection actually comforts me because I'm the person I trust the most 😅. Kachow.  I just think that when you value your own company, the thought of allowing someone in that could possibly ruin your awesome life, is terrifying. However, when you can't be alone with yourself, anyone starts to look good and suddenly there's a wolf in your house wearing your grandma’s clothes. 

“How could you not tell that's a wolf and not your grandma?” The townspeople ask you. 

You shake your head and say “I couldn't tell it was a wolf!” 

And everyone is looking at you like “wtf…clearly that's a wolf, it's not even wearing a good costume.” 

And you're like “booohoo booo hooo!” 

And then they cart you away to Bedlam and your grandma is  chewed up. 

That's what happens when you’ll ignore a bunch of weird shit because you can't be alone with yourself. Hire help now. Do it now before you interact with another romantic partner. It will be cheaper than cleaning your life up after a bad relationship. 

Even stranger though is that many of the people buzzing over my budding relationships and pollinating them with anxiety also claim to want to “find someone more naturally”. Meaning that they don't want to use a dating app. What is natural about constant communication and immediately spending a large chunk of your time with someone you just met? If you really keep it real with yourself, it's deeply unnatural to let a stranger in so quickly. I actually think it might be some form of natural selection at work when you give someone immediate access to your life and (surprise) it goes awry. I know a lot of the people that I hear justifying this see it as a man choosing them. They want to be chosen. I just wonder why they don't want to be the one making a choice? I notice so much “he's here and he isn't leaving, so he's choosing me, so I'll take it.” If I took on that mindset about every man that wants to be with me, I'd have more spouses than a cult leader in 1973. I know the easy thing to respond to that with is “Well no one wants me like that, Iman!”. I disagree. I think that lack of reasonable options is usually a simple equation. 

taste + patience or lack thereof (level of delusion+ level of effort) = options for a partner 

When you allow yourself the right formula for success, you don't end up scrambling because you didn't do the initial work to succeed and Christmas treeing the tests of life. You allow yourself to choose. When you allow yourself the ability to choose, it stops being 

“He needs to answer me quickly, so I feel validated” 

“He needs to drop everything, so I feel valuable”

“He doesn't care unless he's love bombing me” 

And becomes a very level playing field. 

“I can give him some time in a couple days. I have plans” 

“I'll answer when I can give it attention” 

“It's seems a bit unstable for someone to have such strong feelings for me when they don't know me”

 Then everything becomes an agreement between two people instead of a hasty settlement.  

That's all.